I think it is all sinking in this week: I cannot do everything I used to do (before kids, and even with just one) now that there are two little ones. One friend said, "You're just NOW realizing this??!!" To which I modestly thought, "I like to think I can do most anything AND on time." This confession is especially difficult because I love doing "extra" things: blueberry picking, scrapbooking, crafts, house projects, gardening...yet when I try to fit those things in to an already full schedule of important stuff like diapers, feeding little and big mouths, laundry, child training and necessary snuggle time, I end up getting angry quickly, tired sooner and do a lousy job loving my family.
I am mourning the death of my pre-child life. Ironic, isn't it? Seeing as we longed so deeply to be a family. I keep reminding myself that I still haven't come to the point of being WITH children as long as we were withOUT...but that time is fast approaching.
I have had a couple people lately, being surprised that I don't work out of the home, ask, "Are you fulfilled?" To which I later realized that 1) they probably aren't so fulfilled doing their own jobs from 9-5 and 2) it isn't about being fulfilled...at least immediately, is it? Does folding a basket of laundry "fulfill" me? Well, maybe in some twisted must-have-order!! sort of way, but no, it is not deeply fulfilling. But teaching Sam how to sort colors, load the drier and match socks (and a million other things) will hopefully some day culminate in a beautiful family with whom I am "fulfilled."
So, with deep sorrow, but hope that it will produce a better me and better family, I am letting go of some of those extra things for a season...probably a long one, but a season nonetheless. Amy
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing from your soul. Yes, it is a season--a long one. The "delayed gratification" nature of parenting can make it one of the toughest jobs in the world (the toughest?). I'm so glad you're able to reflectively approach this season of life. Maybe I can help sometime so you can still enjoy your "postponed" activities. Mom W.
Amy,
I appreciate your transparency in your post. It's ironic to me that the very act of looking for fulfillment seems to make it impossible to attain. I agree that it's not about fulfillment, but about doing the will of God. At the same time, I feel that life doesn't have to be that way. There seem to be a lot of factors to living in the States that isolates people in different stages or seasons of life instead of everyone sharing in all the seasons. So I hope you don't feel badly about mourning your past life. Even though I think what you're doing is great and think your choice is right, I think there are factors beyond your control that could make it more difficult than it needs to be.
Incidentally, I did feel more fulfilled when I worked at the hospital; not in my work, but in my homelife. Being away from home and Gabe in an environment of disease and lonliness for 20 hours a week made me so grateful for the other 140 or so hours I could spend in an environment of health and affection. I was always so happy to be home and back with Gabey that I was positively gleeful when I got home from work. I was so unbearably cheerful the whole 2 years I was working at the hospital that I think it annoyed Eric. He thought I just loved my work, when it was in fact the opposite. Of course, I wouldn't choose to do it again, but it was an interesting side affect.
God bless you.
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